As I was walking through the rows of blueberry bushes, I suddenly remembered something that happened a few months ago. During my psychotherapy training, one of my classmates was not around because she was getting married that weekend. Someone from our group suggested that we surprise her by sending a photo postcard with all of us on it, celebrating her big day. 🫶
Of course, we all agreed. It was a lovely gesture. And yet, something about it felt slightly off to me. I couldn’t really put my finger on it at the time.
The Question
Anyway, time went by, and here I am, standing in the blueberry field, and suddenly it clicked. The disturbing question:
What are the things we, as a society, decide are worthy of a ‘celebration postcard’ for?
Because celebrations aren’t just celebrations. They carry signals about what we believe success looks like, and ultimately, what we, as humans, value. ’This is something meaningful. This is something worthy of public recognition.’
And I couldn’t help wondering…
Why is getting married so often placed at the very top of the list?
I know that on the same day, in the same class, there were women who were:
… juggling an intensive training while rising kids
… about to launch their new projects
… starting over from scratch after leaving relationships that were no longer healthy for them
… doing everything they could to regain their health
… but no, we were not sending a postcard to them, celebrating their effort, tenacity, courage and everything they had overcome.
The Message Behind
And please, before someone misunderstands me, let me say this clearly. This is not an attack on marriage or relationships. I am genuinely happy for people who find a partner with whom they can create a loving and healthy relationship.
What gives me the ‘ick’ is this:
What message are we, as women, indirectly receiving about our value if, out of all the possible experiences in our lives, getting married is chosen by society as THE THING worth celebrating and giving attention to?
Aren’t we running the risk of implying to women that getting married is THAT thing in their life? “You made it!” “The ultimate goal reached.” (… btw, as if women were not already busy enough trying to unlearn the old Disney pattern of “finally the prince comes…” and “… happily ever after” crap.
Ugh. I mean, seriously?!
Should we be receiving the message that we should build our value and purpose on something that does not even fully depend on us? Because let’s remember: to be in a relationship, you need another person. You cannot control whether that happens… and even if it does happen, nobody can guarantee that it will be the forever happy ending we were hoping for.
Once you see it…
I don’t want our amazing women’s world to shrink into this little box!
I know how much time and pain it took me before I finally understood that if I don’t meet a life partner or don’t have children, it does not automatically mean I had somehow failed as a woman and my life has no real meaning (no kidding, I was buying into this nonsense for such a long time that it honestly amazes me).
Good news is that once you finally see it, you can’t unseen it…
I know, without a doubt, that there is so much more in every single one of us than we think!
Let’s look beyond the societal messages. Deeper. Into ourselves.
To discover what matters to us, what brings meaning and joy into our lives — whether we have a ring on our finger or not.
…. and just to mention, even for those who are happily coupled up, your relationship will only benefit from you having your own passion, voice and fulfilment.
Let’s not define a woman’s value by ingrained societal expectations… by the way, I honestly believe these old-fashioned ideas are holding on by their fingertips.
The Many Ways We Bloom
There you go. That’s me being done with my little rumble, right from the middle of the bushes, dictating my thoughts to ChatGPT to transcribe them while I am picking blueberries.
By the way, I come here when I can to help my amazing friend. She is in her sixties, and she started this farm years ago seedling by seedling. All these years, she has spent her summers growing them, cutting them back, nourishing them, until today they have become wonderful, rich orchards.
This project was her own creation. And today, she spreads her blueberry love across villages and cities all around.
I mean…
Here’s to her!
And here’s to all of us out there: growing, rebuilding, learning, walking away, trying,… finally choosing ourselves, our light, our projects, our voice, our peace.
With love,
Vero 💌
Vero is a counselor with a background in person-centered therapy and body-based approaches. She holds space for deep emotional work in both individual sessions and Enlightenment Intensive retreats. Her work is rooted in lived experience and a quiet devotion to authenticity, softness, and human connection. Together with Peter Harper, she is a co-founder of the EI Association and co-creator of The Drunken Monk Conscious Living. You can find more about Vero on her website and Instagram.
